Thursday, May 19, 2011

Birds of a Feather

Hood Hospital triage, 3 AM- two young ladies check in together. Both young ladies, I would say would probably wear about a size 14, but insist on wearing what I can only assume is about a size 8. Muffin top abound. I proceed to triage girl 1.

Hood nurse: Hi there ma'am! What's going on today? What brought you to the ER?
Girl 1: Hi, hi ma'am. Um, well, you see, I came in today because I, I have pain in my kidney, I have kidney problems, and like, I'm here because I was like, just at County Hospital, like just there, and my ovaries hurt, and you see they did the tests and they put the thing in me and they started this IV, see, right here, and they were gonna do a CAT scan but then they didn't and no one told me what was wrong and my kidneys are like really really hurting and they gave me some Morphine but I think it's starting to wear off and it's starting to hurt again and I don't know what's wrong and I'm really reallly scared, ma'am-
Hood nurse: Wait. Hold up. You were seen for this same thing at County Hospital and they did a full work up but you don't know what any of the results are? Did they not give you any discharge paperwork?
Girl 1:Well, no, because, see, I had to sign do the AMA and I told them I didn't want to do the AMA but my friend, she had her gallbladder taken out there, and I had mine taken out too, but they like, just did hers but she had to go but they still gave me this Morphine but I think it's wearing off, but my grandma gave me some of here Hydrocodone the other day and it helped and I could clean my house, and also, I don't know if this matters but I had Gonorrhea and Chlamydia but I took that medicine but I never went to see if it was better but I took all of it so it should be fine right? But now miss it really really hurts right here (grabbing suprapubic area)
Hood nurse: Okay ma'am, well, we'll get that checked out for you. Can you tell me if you have any medical problems?
Girl 1: Well I go to the mental health clinic and they say I have bipolar and ADHD and I take that Trazadone and Xanax but I'm out of Xanax and basically I'm just crazy I guess.

So, out to the waiting room she goes, and her friend comes into the triage booth:
Girl 2: Please be nice, not like at County Hospital, they suck.
Hood Nurse: Um, sure. What's going on today?
Girl 2: Well my legs hurt and all down here and it just really really hurts and I went to County Hospital and they were like really mean and I like just had my gallbladder taken out there last month, but it still really hurts, yo. And so I was in there and I kept asking them for pain medicine and they kept getting mad because I kept coming up and asking them and they weren't giving me any and then they were finally gonna give me some and then this man came and asked me if I needed help and I told him no I didn't need help and then the lady said that was rude and she called security and they made me leave and didn't even give me any pain medicine. Hood nurse: I see. Well. Are you mostly here for leg pain or abdominal pain then?
Girl 2: Well my legs hurt but also this still really hurts (pointing to incision site) and also it's hard and I think somethings in there or it's infected inside.
Hood nurse: Okay, yeah. What kind of medical problems do you have?
Girl 2- I got that Bipolar and ADHD.
Hood nurse: Realllyyy. Cool. Well go ahead and have a seat out there for me and they'll call you back there when they get a room open.

Surprisingly, it wasn't the girl who had just been kicked out of the other hospital that gave us hell. About an hour later, I took a couple of people back to rooms that had been waiting longer than Girl 1 back to rooms, so naturally, she thought it would be a good time to tell me a was a stupid bitch for not calling her name. So, after calling everyone before AND after her (to be fair, she was asleep when I called everyone after her, but still be nice to your triage nurse) she went back to a room and got her exams done. She was revealed to have numerous STDs, and nothing else, so she was sent home with multiple antibiotics. When she figured out she wasn't getting Vicodin, she tore up the prescription for the Flagyl and the Doxycyline while screaming, "Fuck all of you bitches! You just like sticking things in people's pussies and not giving them any pain medicine! Tell that motherfucking doctor lady to come back in here and I'll put that thing in HER and see how SHE likes it!" By then, her friend had been discharged without incident and they both strolled out of the ER to wherever the hell they came from.

Classy broads, these two. Whenever I deal with people like this in pairs, I always just wonder where they hooked up. Do you think it was another ER waiting room? I'd say it's about a 50% chance.


  1. Man, I can smell class aaaalllll over those two. Oh's just the clap I smell.

  2. Goodness, how difficult to keep a positive attitude and genuine customer service smile when you have patients that treat you that way. What a tough skin you have to develop for sure.

  3. Two more satisfied customers, I see!

  4. I couldn't do it. I'd reach out and slap them before I could help myself.

  5. Um, uh, eeeeew, & ugh! Cheez & crackers, that was some epic DSB fail! Is it yer kidney or yer hoo-hah, honey? Pick 1 & go with it fool.