Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Slow Your Roll

Oh hey, welcome to Hood Hospital triage! Let me just stop you right there. A few things:

-Hi! Nice to see you again! Oh yeah, I do remember you from last time, seeing as how you're here on a weekly basis. You presented about the same way last time too- tearful, dramatic, allergic to numerous non narcotic pain medicines and with crappy looking vitals because you just don't take your medications we continue to refill. You seemed to do fine that time, so you can just wait to get triaged like everyone else. Sending your boyfriend up to swear at me is a new approach, and I applaud you for your creativity, but the Dilaudid fountain still hasn't been installed up here and the triage desk so I still can't really pour you a refreshing Dilaudid-rita just yet. I'm real sorry.
-Hey, wait a sec. That's the hospital pen. You know, the one all these patients with coochie rashes and sepsis and yellow fever or whatever have been touching? Yeaaahh. I wouldn't put THAT in my mouth if I were you. I usually have a pretty good poker face up here, but I'm not even gonna attempt to hide my disgust that you just did that. Also, after doing that, you're going to put your baby's pacifier in your same mouth that JUST held the MDRO pen and then give it to your baby! No ma'am. Fail. The complaint you brought him in for is foolish but it's about to be legit. Too legit to quit.
-Yuop. I know Flubber is on in the waiting room right now so it's probably hard to concentrate, but if you look up there right above the desk there is a giant sign that says in big black letters that patients in the emergency room are seen based on acuity and not on a first come first serve basis. So needless to say that when we try to call to triage you for very emergent toe pain while you are in the bathroom, and during that time someone comes in for chest pain with low O2 sats, you sure did get skipped and your toe pain is gonna have to wait 5 minutes longer. What's cussing at me and making threats gonna do to change that? Well, not much, other than let you head back on out there to the waiting area to finish watching Flubber instead of going back to a room. Yes sir. Be nice to your nurse.
-FYI- Nurses cannot order tests, meds or admissions, but especially not urinary tract x-rays (very sensitive test) and admit orders for UTI pain for a grown woman who has not taken any of the prescribed medication from when your were treated at the hospital for the same problem literally 3 hours ago. Bringing your mother in to demand these things at the top of her lungs on your behalf despite the fact that you are perfectly capable of speaking for yourself and providing your own medical history will not change this fact.

I swear. I hate triage. I feel like I'm in the movie clerks. This scene, to be specific.


  1. I try and keep those people out of your ED but they still slip by me!!!!!

  2. We have to be in the ER for a year before we can triage...btw I will be there a year 1 of June...ugh..joy