Sunday, June 26, 2016

Better Late Than Never

Welp. What can I say. I just logged in and realized I ain't even been on blogger since 2015. And I have to say it feels pretty great. So why even do this now? Honestly I let my blog float out into the ocean because I didn't feel like I had anything to say anymore, but now I kind of do. I looked back through a bunch of my own posts a while back and felt like I needed to say sorry. Sorry for being such a dick sometimes. Sorry for sometimes crossing the line from being funny and real to just being petty as hell and hateful. Sorry for sometimes handling constructive criticism really, really immaturely when there were very legitimate criticisms to be had.
I'm not saying everything was crap or that I regret starting this blog, because I met some amazing internet friends and another internet turned IRL friend who is about to become part of my family soon, and it was absolutely great. It was a way for me to connect with a lot of other people in a job where I at first felt very, very alone. For the longest while, it was very therapeutic, probably to an unhealthy degree, in that I probably should have been getting ACTUAL therapy instead of just putting all my business all over the Internet.
Which brings me to the other actual point. From one human to my other fellow humans- deal with your problems. Like as they're occurring. And don't keep telling yourself that if you can function and put stuff all off that it means you're fine. Depression manifests itself in very weird ways, and I think some of my worst moments came from not dealing with things that were actually really awful for me at work and just having no tolerance for anything.
I don't want to blame any of my own shortcomings on this, but it's only in retrospect that I look back at a lot of stuff and realize I was not in a good place. And I say this on the heels of being in a much worse place but having actually FINALLY had the courage to make a phone call and go do something about it. I say this because I had the same opportunity before, wrote down the number about 5 times, and never called. Don't be like me.
If you're in a tough place at work- our jobs are really, really tough, so it happens- most places have an employee assistance program. I can honestly say it was a godsend and I wish I could go back and get all the sessions I didn't use, because it's amazing. Just call them. For real.
I won't get into the nitty gritty, but after personal loss tragedy fest 2k14, I had literally the most traumatic and horrifying patient situation at work, started taking on even more responsibility with school, and I literally just never dealt with anything I was going through, until I started crying all the time for no reason and I had to really psych myself up hard to even get out of bed in the morning. Just counseling allowed me to kind of get to the root of my problems and even though I'm still neurotic as hell, I at least recognize when I'm going down a shitty rabbit hole that's only going  to end in sad feels.
Cognitive behavioral therapy is a miracle. I'm in a better head space than I have been since maybe forever. I'm only able to see some things for what they were much, much later. So sorry to anyone who got  caught up in my bullshit at the time. I still feel like I'm making a lot of excuses, so sorry for that too, but I think we all want understanding in those times we're at our worst. So that being said, I'm not mad at those of you still commenting on old posts that I am/was a bitch. Even though it's rude, you may have been right, and maybe you're going through some hard times yourself. Take care.