My approach to life and my job at times does not serve me very well. I have high expectations of individuals and humanity. I have even higher expectations for myself. I'm often disappointed on both fronts, but this way of thinking is what makes me want to keep doing what I do and loving it. I try to see the good in everyone and treat them accordingly; some days are more difficult than others.
Even before all this happened, I'd been having one of those periods where I was kind of just being bombarded with foolishness and douchebaggery every time I came to work. I was physically and mentally exhausted and continuing to be tested pretty frequently. I was starting to feel the bitterness set in, and I already kind of just wanted to get away from everything, and then all of this bullshit happened. I really felt powerless to help anyone, and I questioned why I was even trying. I saw a lot of ugliness around me, and a lot of ugliness in myself. It was just an awful cycle of feeling bitter about everything I do and then feeling guilty about feeling the way I did. I felt as if nothing good I really did mattered against the overwhelming amount of apathy and cruelty.
Thankfully, it seems that benevolent and compassionate people have an inexplicable way of recognizing distress. My friends and family have shown themselves to continually be more wonderful than I could ever imagine. But the kindness of those I don't know well has really the most overwhelming part. My gruff, sarcastic coworkers became empathetic confidants; quiet, sweet types who I always liked but never knew well wiped away my tears and offered me their prayers. And people who read this-stuff- stuff, that as far as you really know, may be the elaborate delusions of some crazy person- have been willing to go so far for me. People who don't know me at all who are willing to share stories that no doubt open up old wounds for them to make me feel better. So many of you have offered such heartfelt concerns and comfort to a complete stranger. To those that posed questions as to whether it helped, yes, it absolutely did.
You see, my self blame and doubt about myself is always going to be a facet of who I am. Unchecked, it consumes me- in balance, it just drives me to be better. I'm somewhere in between- in a better place now than I have been. But my doubts about human kindness? Vanquished. Again, I don't know how to say how important this is in me carrying on doing other than to say it's everything. All of your kind words were the answer to my prayers and a huge part of me being able to carry on. Thank you again, and back to the usual crazy soon.