Friday, November 25, 2011

Let Me Just Say..

...a quick thanks to everyone today and I will try to move on with my life. I am really not eloquent enough to express how much the support I've received from everyone really means, but let me try.
My approach to life and my job at times does not serve me very well. I have high expectations of individuals and humanity. I have even higher expectations for myself. I'm often disappointed on both fronts, but this way of thinking is what makes me want to keep doing what I do and loving it. I try to see the good in everyone and treat them accordingly; some days are more difficult than others.
Even before all this happened, I'd been having one of those periods where I was kind of just being bombarded with foolishness and douchebaggery every time I came to work. I was physically and mentally exhausted and continuing to be tested pretty frequently. I was starting to feel the bitterness set in, and I already kind of just wanted to get away from everything, and then all of this bullshit happened. I really felt powerless to help anyone, and I questioned why I was even trying. I saw a lot of ugliness around me, and a lot of ugliness in myself. It was just an awful cycle of feeling bitter about everything I do and then feeling guilty about feeling the way I did. I felt as if nothing good I really did mattered against the overwhelming amount of apathy and cruelty.

Thankfully, it seems that benevolent and compassionate people have an inexplicable way of recognizing distress. My friends and family have shown themselves to continually be more wonderful than I could ever imagine. But the kindness of those I don't know well has really the most overwhelming part. My gruff, sarcastic coworkers became empathetic confidants; quiet, sweet types who I always liked but never knew well wiped away my tears and offered me their prayers. And people who read this-stuff- stuff, that as far as you really know, may be the elaborate delusions of some crazy person- have been willing to go so far for me. People who don't know me at all who are willing to share stories that no doubt open up old wounds for them to make me feel better. So many of you have offered such heartfelt concerns and comfort to a complete stranger. To those that posed questions as to whether it helped, yes, it absolutely did.

You see, my self blame and doubt about myself is always going to be a facet of who I am. Unchecked, it consumes me- in balance, it just drives me to be better. I'm somewhere in between- in a better place now than I have been. But my doubts about human kindness? Vanquished. Again, I don't know how to say how important this is in me carrying on doing other than to say it's everything. All of your kind words were the answer to my prayers and a huge part of me being able to carry on. Thank you again, and back to the usual crazy soon.


  1. Stay in touch with yourself and make it a priority.
    Sending love and healing energy over the Rockies to you.

  2. Hey, many of us see ourselves in you or some aspect of ourselves in you. I once might have been able to prevent a suicide but I didn't recognize my potential as a life-saver at the time. Hell, I was just coming out of my own depression. It taught me to speak up, not just listen, even if people thought I was being a nosy Parker. So be it. These experiences, horrible as they are, drive many of us to just try all the harder to be good people.

    We examine our shock, examine what caused it, try to learn from it, take a deep breath and move on.

    You have our good wishes.

  3. You will move on - but you will have grown as well. That is what you have to take with you and know that one day it will be important. Good to see you back.

  4. I'm so sorry. I don't even know what else to say but I'm thinking of you.

  5. I am a frequent reader but I don't think I have commented before. I am sad that you have had this experience, and I can echo what others have said about responsibility/blame/etc. I have 2 points = one is that good self care including counseling is key - and EMDR is a great tool for turning down the intensity of the emotions so you can move past the pain. The other is that I am a survivor of child abuse - emotional, psychological, and sexual. I grew up in the 60s. The only externally observable physical sign was frequent UTIs when I was 3-6 years old. The behaviors were attributed to a 'shy, overly sensitive, intellectual' personality. I have struggled all my life with the losses related to the abuse and the permanent damage - which is not externally visible but exists nonetheless. I often wondered what might have happened if I had died on the one occasion that my father tried to strangle me. Instead, I took the belief that I was worthless and distorted it into believing that I should kill myself so that my family could be happy, just like Jesus let himself be killed to save everyone else. (Twisted, eh?) I am in my mid 50s, have struggled all my life to value my own self. How would it have been different if I had died as a child or young teen? I don't know, I never will. But perhaps the fact that this little boy died and his physical suffering here ended allows his spirit to return again to a new life here in a place where he is loved and valued. Maybe he will have happiness, instead of a life of misery (that he inflicts on himself, or on the people around him, or in the walking death of active drug addiction). I don't know, I never will. All any of us can do is take what we experience, try to learn or grow from it, and do our best not to harden our own hearts. There is much we do not know, and never can know or will know. Part of being human - and we nurses have such a hard time admitting our own human limitations sometimes. If this post is not helpful to you, then let it go away into the mists of the interwebs. Be well, not quite so new nurse in the hood.

  6. Be well, and get well. I am a new follower.