I want a sonogram, and maybe another pregnancy test. Starts going into an in depth discussion with the triage nurse about when she started having sex with this dude that is with her currently. Listen sister, this isn't Maury, we just asked your LMP, next please.
So it was utter pandemonium and fuckery up until about 4 am last night, people were forming human pyramids in the waiting room because there were no more chairs, the line to check in wrapped around the building and everyone had chest pain. I had two dudes who fell off of roofs, like, really actually fell off of them, check in within 5 minutes of one another. One had a broken C2. So, uh, obviously this young woman's complaint was not of immediate concern. So she and baby daddy leave and do some shit at Walmart or whatever and then come back. So, as far as I'm concerned you have now forfeited your spot in line since we already tried to call you back to a room and you weren't there, we gave it to someone else, but I guess some generosity had grown in my heart because I opened her chart back up and put her second.
So how does this turd thank me? By faking a syncopal episode in the waiting room, not even a good one, and kicking over her Mountain Dew in the process just to be hateful. So I responded in turn by taking vitals and checking a blood sugar, just in case, and made sure to see if she was arousable to painful stimuli. She was!
So. She goes back to a room, and they go to do a pregnancy test. She refuses to pee. Not before faking another syncopal episode in the bathroom just for a good showing. Allows blood draws, so they just run a blood HCG. In the meantime, alleged baby daddy has a heart to heart with her nurse about how he thinks she probably isn't actually pregnant, but she's just faking it because he tried to break up with her the week before. Once she finds out the blood HCG is running, she wants to go AMA. She eventually agrees to stay upon hearing that we cannot release the results without her consent. Sure enough, NOT EVEN F-ING PREGNANT.
Really? How massive a douche do you have to be to go through what is surely going to be a workup in the thousands of dollars, act a complete fool, and worst of all, divert tons of time and resources that could otherwise be allocated for people who are actually sick? This makes me so full of rage I cannot adequately describe it. And the worst part was that this was a grown ass woman. Like, older than me. Fail! Next time just threaten suicide like a normal psychotic girlfriend. You don't have to mean it. Just don't drag us into your drama, we have actual emergencies to deal with here.