Birds of a Feather

Hood Hospital triage, 3 AM- two young ladies check in together. Both young ladies, I would say would probably wear about a size 14, but insist on wearing what I can only assume is about a size 8. Muffin top abound. I proceed to triage girl 1.

Hood nurse: Hi there ma'am! What's going on today? What brought you to the ER?

Girl 1: Hi, hi ma'am. Um, well, you see, I came in today because I, I have pain in my kidney, I have kidney problems, and like, I'm here because I was like, just at County Hospital, like just there, and my ovaries hurt, and you see they did the tests and they put the thing in me and they started this IV, see, right here, and they were gonna do a CAT scan but then they didn't and no one told me what was wrong and my kidneys are like really really hurting and they gave me some Morphine but I think it's starting to wear off and it's starting to hurt again and I don't know what's wrong and I'm really reallly scared, ma'am-

Hood nurse: Wait. Hold up. You were seen for this same thing at County Hospital and they did a full work up but you don't know what any of the results are? Did they not give you any discharge paperwork?

Girl 1:Well, no, because, see, I had to sign do the AMA and I told them I didn't want to do the AMA but my friend, she had her gallbladder taken out there, and I had mine taken out too, but they like, just did hers but she had to go but they still gave me this Morphine but I think it's wearing off, but my grandma gave me some of here Hydrocodone the other day and it helped and I could clean my house, and also, I don't know if this matters but I had Gonorrhea and Chlamydia but I took that medicine but I never went to see if it was better but I took all of it so it should be fine right? But now miss it really really hurts right here (grabbing suprapubic area)

Hood nurse: Okay ma'am, well, we'll get that checked out for you. Can you tell me if you have any medical problems?

Girl 1: Well I go to the mental health clinic and they say I have bipolar and ADHD and I take that Trazadone and Xanax but I'm out of Xanax and basically I'm just crazy I guess.

So, out to the waiting room she goes, and her friend comes into the triage booth:

Girl 2: Please be nice, not like at County Hospital, they suck.

Hood Nurse: Um, sure. What's going on today?

Girl 2: Well my legs hurt and all down here and it just really really hurts and I went to County Hospital and they were like really mean and I like just had my gallbladder taken out there last month, but it still really hurts, yo. And so I was in there and I kept asking them for pain medicine and they kept getting mad because I kept coming up and asking them and they weren't giving me any and then they were finally gonna give me some and then this man came and asked me if I needed help and I told him no I didn't need help and then the lady said that was rude and she called security and they made me leave and didn't even give me any pain medicine. Hood nurse: I see. Well. Are you mostly here for leg pain or abdominal pain then?

Girl 2: Well my legs hurt but also this still really hurts (pointing to incision site) and also it's hard and I think somethings in there or it's infected inside.

Hood nurse: Okay, yeah. What kind of medical problems do you have?

Girl 2- I got that Bipolar and ADHD.

Hood nurse: Realllyyy. Cool. Well go ahead and have a seat out there for me and they'll call you back there when they get a room open.

Surprisingly, it wasn't the girl who had just been kicked out of the other hospital that gave us hell. About an hour later, I took a couple of people back to rooms that had been waiting longer than Girl 1 back to rooms, so naturally, she thought it would be a good time to tell me a was a stupid bitch for not calling her name. So, after calling everyone before AND after her (to be fair, she was asleep when I called everyone after her, but still be nice to your triage nurse) she went back to a room and got her exams done. She was revealed to have numerous STDs, and nothing else, so she was sent home with multiple antibiotics. When she figured out she wasn't getting Vicodin, she tore up the prescription for the Flagyl and the Doxycyline while screaming, "Fuck all of you bitches! You just like sticking things in people's pussies and not giving them any pain medicine! Tell that motherfucking doctor lady to come back in here and I'll put that thing in HER and see how SHE likes it!" By then, her friend had been discharged without incident and they both strolled out of the ER to wherever the hell they came from.

Classy broads, these two. Whenever I deal with people like this in pairs, I always just wonder where they hooked up. Do you think it was another ER waiting room? I'd say it's about a 50% chance.

Does that mean what I think it means?

Where I work, nurses are still doing paper charting but our physicians have this charting system that, from what I can gather, has a series of generated normal responses they can select- charting by exception, basically- not a bad system. So one of the notes for disposition and discharge I always see says something like "discussed care with patient, patient was in good condition, discharge was given by RN, patient was ambulatory ", except I see this pretty frequently in fast track in notes for infants and I find it hilarious every time. I just have a picture in my head of an infant walking out of the ER with it's discharge papers like, great, otitis media, yeah. I'll go fill this Amoxicillin right now, thanks guys.

I'm curious, though, is ambulatory now some blanket term for not dying, doesn't need to be admitted or transferred, or are all our midlevels actually rocking so hard back there that they are not only treating the babies with nasal congestion, but are also teaching them to take their first steps out to the parking lot? I must know their secrets.

Is this a national phenomenon?

So, I was talking to one of the NPs that I really like a couple weeks ago, and she was telling me a story about how she had to remove a makeup sponge from some lady's vagina that night. Of course, I always need to know the how and why, so she got back to me and it turned out the lady was on her period and had run out of pads and tampons. Next logical conclusion- shove a makeup sponge up there! It's absorbent, right? Right.
Fast forward to two weeks after that. Same NP. Same complaint. Yeah, I ran out of tampons so I stuck this makeup sponge up there because someone told me that would work. Why not? This time, though, there was a twist. Not only did she successfully recover the makeup sponge, but as an added bonus there was also a condom floating around in there. So she pulls it out and says to the girl, "Is there anything else up there you need me to get out for you?" Priceless. Apparently she was not as amused as I was.
I have never heard about this until this month. Anyone else heard any tales of makeup sponges being suitable feminine hygiene product replacements? I will do some research on Google and get back to you guys.


UPDATE- I've found one source that mentions makeup sponges being used for tampon substitutes in an article written by an escort addressing the problem of how to work on your period, because apparently all escorts know thats always the week when you fill up on appointments. OMGz, hate it when that happens. Anyway, even there it was only mentioned in passing about how it sort of works the same way as a real sponge designed for that sort of thing. Now, before you say, "Hood nurse, you lazy crackhoe, you probably just stopped after one google search", you would be wrong. Because I scoured Yahoo! answers for a good 20 minutes for various tampon replacements, and came up empty on the makeup sponge front. And anyone who has ever read Yahoo! answers knows that is the population most likely to stick use a makeup sponge or equally ridiculous item as a tampon. Seriously. Just read Yahoo! answers topics about STDS and pregnancy. You'll give up on humanity in 10 minutes.