Saturday, January 14, 2012

Hood Hospital Lockdown

Hey guys! Here comes multiple walk in gunshot wounds! Hooray! Obviously, these fine citizens were just minding their own business when a bunch of dudes came out of nowhere and opened fire (does it ever happen any other way?) Point is, we have a shooter still at large. No one can say what he looks like, because no one knows him, because they were just going on down to the local homeless shelter to do some volunteer work to earn their eagle scout service badges when a gang of hoodlums, probably wearing masks, started shootin'. So what does that mean? It means the MF-in hospital is on lockdown, y'all. That's right, granny who stepped out to call your son. You can't go back and see pappy until this "security situation" gets to a cardiothoracic surgeon, so, just have a seat for a second. Sorry.
Great. So, who enforces the ER lockdown? The hospital police? (cue cricket sounds now).
No, silly! I do! You know, the one who still gets questioned on a weekly basis as to whether I've graduated high school yet? Nothing says "unquestionable authority" like the girl dressed in a jacket from the children's department. Registration knows this, which is why they direct all the verbally abusive folks who can't go back to see their family members right now to me. Also because it takes the letters "RN" behind your name to explain basic security measures, and most grown ass men respond to being sworn at with "if you have a problem, ask the nurse." Seriously? F you, buddy.
And what happens when you call the hospital police and suggest that they might, like, I don't know, like, maybe, one of the five of you might want to post up at this here door that's the only way in and out since you're the only one with that shiny badge and gun? Or something? Naw, it's cool. I feel much better having you tell me "I'm here if you need me", after which you immediately stand outside, away from the waiting room madness and then stand there talking to your buddies for two minutes and then leave because the person who was just screaming obscenities in my face already left before you got here. Cool.

So, for the sake of clarity, we're locking down the ER because we're worried about an armed gunman coming in here and finishing the job, and we're leaving the job to an unarmed nurse. Okay, so if the shooter comes in and pulls his weapon, I'll just disarm him with one hand and stab him in the neck with one of registration's ball point pens using my lighting fast reflexes and extensive nurse combat skillz. Great, but can I get an extra dollar an hour for being triage sheriff please?

11 comments:

  1. goodness that sounds too scary to have to put up.

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  2. An extra dollar an hour?! Shit, you're living the swag life. I'm jealous.

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  3. Whats sad about this situation is the people left out in the waiting room. They are sitting ducks. Our security all comes to ER when we lock down and are at all of our doors. Course, they don't have guns...all inner city ERs should be staffed by the police. One day some nurse is going to get shot.

    Oh you forgot to mention that here comes someone with a toothache in the middle of all this and are mad cause they can't get in.

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  4. Lockdown should require real police officers. Those wannabes are no help. At my hospital, we are the "psych hold" floor along with being a PCU. ED admits/transfers the psych pts to us & our admin expects us non-psych trained nurses to search & control these pts. We have no backup help. I got an irritated crackhead coming down off a high on a 72 hr psych hold & they tell me I have to search the clothes he's wearing because he refuses to take them off. Uhhhh...hell to the no. I like living & I am not about to be mauled by some pissed off drug addict. Hospital admin sucks!

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  5. The rules you guys describe sound like they were cooked up in a board room by people who never step foot outside of their own offices and have no idea what the real world is like. Kind of like when I was in the military, now that I think about it.

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  6. The downtown hospital where I live recently had a lockdown, and the shooter got in while they were still working on the guy in ER and starting shooting. A couple nurse quit on the spot. When I was in trauma/neuro/spine, we had police/correctional guards on a regular basis.

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  7. Oh sister are you sure you don't work at Ghetto Hospital with me? I work at a level 3 hospital but the closest level 2 is an hour away and forget level 1 it's 2 hours away, so we get to do the lockdown dance on a regular basis when the local gang wannabes decide to shoot each other up. Woohoo! Sadly, I missed the day in nursing school when they taught hand to hand combat for nurses. But never fear....I've been "lucky" enough to get lots of on the job training courtesy of our ghetto clientele and useless security. Didn't you hear that all violent criminals are afraid of 5 ft tall pen wielding nurses? That's right I said get out or I'll stab you with my super dangerous trauma shears scary weapon wielding gang man!

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  8. That's scary...glad all I have to deal with is the rednecks that accidently shoot themselves.

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  9. Girl:

    You need more than a $1 an hour. How about combat pay and a flak jacket?

    Use those OR scissors if you can get 'em. The doods don't wanna be cut, either. Always carry a pair on me when on the floor or anywhere near the ER. Greatest safety device ever!

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  10. I always thought an extra job at a hospital would be cool and I don't mean just to hit on the nurses.

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  11. I especially enjoy our 15 minute "self-defense" inservices we get about every two years or so at our Level I trauma center."What's the weapon you carry on you at all times?--My scissors?--No....--A pen?--No...Your voice. Yell for help." uuuhhhmmmmm, okay crazy lady.

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