Triage Foolishness Edition One Hundred Million

Because we all just continue to find more creative ways to be crazy douchebags, don't we?

Okay, day shift. Let's not abandon our post at triage for an hour because we had an interesting case come in through the front and we wanted to see how it turned out. Really? Seriously? Do you have any fucking clue how much it sucks to walk in an hour behind in triage with 20 people waiting to be triaged? No? Oh, that's right, because I would not do that to you EVER, nor would I even do that to my worst enemy in my wildest dreams, because it sucks. Oh, and B-T-Dubs, I thought the lady satting in the 80s who had to wait an hour to be triaged was pretty interesting myself. Good job on that.

And really, pseudo seizures again? FML. But really, one, if you're freaking huge, physics alone tells us that you don't just fall on your stomach after leaning back in the wheelchair, it requires force, like you propelling yourself for dramatic effect. Everyone in the waiting room saw it, and they were doing dramatic reenactments and laughing at you after you went back to a room. Let's just stick with unconvincing syncope instead of half assed seizures next time. It's hard for me to do a sternal rub on you subtly in front of all these people anyway, and it's documented in your medical records by a neurologist that you were essentially thrown out of his office for being a lying fool, so the Ativan is not forthcoming.

Everyone- keep your pills away from your toddlers.

Yes sir, you're right. Your daughter's menstrual cramps aren't a priority over the chest pains that have been waiting 3 hours longer. Call the complaint line if you wish. Thanks for choosing Hood Hospital.

When checking in for STDs, it is unadvisable and confusing to run up to the triage window holding your crotch and screaming "I'm burned" repeatedly. Also, the courtesy phone is not there for you to talk to your four different girlfriends during the hours your are waiting to be seen for your drippy penis.

Drunk and escorted by the police? It's not even Friday yet, bro! Sorry to hear about your parole situation. That is a bummer. No, I don't want to be your pen pal in jail, but thanks for the offer. I will spread the word to my fellow nurses just in case someone is looking for a baby daddy in the pen.

Do you think if I just coded all these STDs and dental pains as ESI level ones that they might fire me from triage? I'm willing to give it a shot.