Tuesday, July 19, 2011

What Not To Do

Now is the time on this little blog here where I share with you various bits of wisdom that I've learned from the mistakes of others. Such as-
-Hoses. They're great for watering yards, and filling kiddie pools, or washing you car or your dog, but you know what they aren't good as? Sex toys. Nope. Especially not in public pools. Sorry if you knew that already, but some people don't.
-Cleaning product storage. Here's one. Don't store your cleaning products in beverage containers and then leave them lying around your filthy house. It's confusing for everyone, but it's especially a problem when you yourself are not discerning enough to tell Pine Sol apart from Gatorade.
-Say you're drunk and you just have to climb a fence. It happens. More frequently than you would think, actually. You jack up your ankle, of course, and you don't smell great, cause it's hot out. That's fine, but once we've already smelled you it's pretty much over, and the nurses here aren't interested in you that way anyway, so it's pretty pointless for you to try to take a bath in the room with the basin and washcloths you destroyed our cabinets to find. Now you're still stinky, and you're making a mess.
-If you have nasal congestion, it is not necessary to go to the ER, but if you decide to go for that, please refrain from acting a complete fool and yelling at the nurse at the triage desk about the fact that you can't breathe at all when in fact, you can't breathe out of your nose. You see, I see people who actually can't breathe on a daily basis, and they can't stand at the desk screaming at me. Stop screaming for a minute and breathe out your mouth hole, and you'll probably feel a lot better. Thanks.
-If you are the parent of an infant and you can't figure out why it's crying, perhaps you should trying picking the thing up or something before you bring it into the ER because it's been crying too much. The problem probably isn't constipation if it just dropped a load earlier today, it's probably just mad that you aren't mothering it, but instead, are talking on your cellphone.
-If you're here for your 5th visit this week for the same thing, and you actually want to get seen, it probably isn't a good idea when the police officer says hello to you in the waiting room to respond with, "You aren't gonna kick me out this time, motherfucker" followed by a whole other string of fuck words. I know you're still bitter about that time he kicked you out after you'd been discharged for threatening and swearing at the paramedic who asked you to stop popping wheelies in the wheelchair in the part of the parking lots where cars drive up, but he really was just trying to be nice today.
I think that's it for this week. Learn from the mistakes of others, guys, or else all of this was just in vain.


  1. I get that all the time: "I can't breathe"!!!!....

    People who *actually* can't breathe - can't string a whole sentence together. That's how we can tell if you *actually* CAN'T breathe.... :)

    As far as the babies go - don't get me started.... :(

  2. Candelabras don't make good sex toys either. Seriously.

  3. Hood nurse I learn so much from you.