Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Free Medical Advice and Panda Taints

Middle aged man runs up to the triage desk in a panic talking about something bursting on his ass. I talk him down and think we're probably dealing with a standard buttock abscess that has caused a lot of discomfort and ruined a pair of underwear but not much else. I take him back to the triage booth and as I'm talking to him I discover that we are not, in fact, dealing with an abscess to the buttock, but in a less desirable spot:

Yuuupp. Perirectal abscess. Tender, puss filled wound right in or around the taint area.

And yes, this is the least disgusting google image search result. Don't do it, I warned you.
Now, this is unfortunate and could happen to anyone, but this is where the medical advising part comes in. Listen. If you ever wake up one morning and you find a painful spot on your taint that shouldn't be there, don't pussyfoot around about going to the doctor. And when you do go to the doctor and the doctor tells you that you need to make an appointment and get this shit taken care of, you should actually call the surgeon he refers you to, and in a timely manner, say less than 6 years. And if in that 6 years, you, for whatever reason, haven't called the surgeon, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, attempt to lance the abscess at home yourself in the mirror using a kitchen knife because that's how they did it back in the old days. Didn't work out so well.

I'm sorry. I know that was a gross story. Perhaps you might like to clear your head with some adorable, fluffy panda taint:


  1. Oh. my. god. I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe right now...yet I'm so disgusted. And tempted to google search it up. And vomit. I love it.

  2. They do NOT pay you enough money! That made me snort my drink. You are absolutely hilarious.

  3. Having worked mostly in the nursing area of "Female taints"....I thought it might be a nice change of pace to read your story of a "male taint".....


    It isn't.

  4. I can't seem to sit comfortably right about now... thanks.

  5. Gosh. You could not have made that any funnier. 'Taint no lie- you've got talent, missy.

  6. DYING! HAHAHA! >wiping tears< funniest thing I've read in a long time

  7. Great pics.

    I am so thankful that Wednesday was my only day off this week

  8. I think unicorn taint graphics make me seem much funnier than I am. And why are you always working day shift now, WTF?