So hi, B team coworkers, first, if I have a patient with SVT and breathing difficulty and I've had to run back to talk to charge nurse in training because she can't pick up the phone, are you seriously going to stand here in front of me arguing with the charge nurse about what room this patient is going to go to while both of you are sitting on your asses eating snacks? Because, screw you. And while you're at it, are you really going to come up here and fight with me about whether a patient with a cough needs to be seen before some hot mess geri-psych patient who obviously escaped the hospital with her central line in because the grown up charge nurse took over 3 seconds ago and you didn't hear it as a direct order from her lips? I could do without the attitude, thanks.
Quit stealing my damn EKG machine and not bringing it back. There's 8 hour waits, so everyone up in here has chest pain. I need that. And let's everyone not pretend that I'm speaking Tagalog when I tell you for the fifth time that I've dropped up a homicidal psych patient in a room and they need a sitter because she's not in a psych room. They're ALL FULL. If I could just pull ER rooms out of my ass this whole process would be so much easier, but I can't. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to the hundreds of people in the waiting room so they can cuss me out.
Speaking of which, patients? It's an etiquette no-no to run back to a room that another patient was called for when you haven't even checked in yet and just sit back there and act as if nothing's wrong. Really? Other no-nos for trying to get back to a room quicker- trying to lie down across my triage chair whilst sticking you ass in the air is comedy gold, but it doesn't really help convince me that you're too weak to sit in a chair what with all the acrobatic ability required to do what you're doing now.
Also, pseudo seizures are a classic move, but make sure you scan the area for ammonia caps. If caught faking a seizure, maybe you should google "grand mal seizure" again before you tell me that's the kind you have so you don't ever lose consciousness completely.
Expressing your pain in the most dramatic way possible really won't get you anywhere tonight, as we really, literally, no, for real, have nowhere for you to go right now, but if the triage desk nurse just had to try to get you 3 times to be triaged while you finished your cigarette outside, it really won't help, so you might as well just stop. You're bad at acting and you're embarrassing yourself.
Visitors! No, I can't look up a patient by birthday, by what town they're from, which family members are with them, or by what medical problems they have. If you don't know your friend of family member's last name you probably don't know them well enough to be visiting them in the ER. Even if you do, the problem is not that I'm too stupid to work the computer system. The problem is you don't actually know the name of who the hell you're trying to find, and you're coming up here based on secondhand information about that patient maybe being here. Just go home. I guarantee they don't miss you if they didn't call you themselves and tell you they were at the hospital. Shit.
I want to punch everything, and I need a drink.