Thursday, August 18, 2011

Hood Hospital Arachnology

Some chick comes in on an ambulance last night for butt abscesses (why not), tells the doctor that she was pretty sure spiders were biting her on her buttocks while she was sleeping, even though she hadn't seen them (spiders are always the culprit in the hood), but somehow during the conversation, it came to light that the patient also worked as a stripper.
So ER Doc went around asking everyone about the odds of contracting such an infection from spiders vs. sticking your bare ass on a pole covered in multi drug resistant clamydia or super AIDs or whatever. So, being creative I decided maybe it was both. "Well. Maybe the spiders were on the pole. Maybe it was a downtown pole spider. You don't know about pole spiders? Did you even graduate medical school? Shit."
Don't laugh, ya''ll. Pole spiders are serious business.


  1. When I worked in the ER, not only did spiders cause the buttock abscesses, they apparently caused the many breast abscesses that we saw as well. Those pole spiders get around!

  2. Pole spiders are endangering the lives of many of our talented dancers! Stop the scourge!

    And spiders are seem to be in every single 'hood out there. Uptown 'hoods, downtown 'hoods, midtown 'hoods. If someone gets a little red bump, well, it must be a spider.

    And then there are the times when spiders ARE the culprits and the patients bring them in and then we're talking major league Ativan.

    For me! :D

  3. Pole spiders- It's so funny and sad at the same time.

  4. Pole Spiders? Yeah that's funny.

    But what caused the abscesses? On breasts, too?

  5. I'll have you know that in my area pole spiders are the second leading cause of death -- right after pony bites.