Report on a late stage CHF, home 02 dependent for several years patient c/o difficulty breathing:
EMS- Well, the room air sat was 85%.
Hood Nurse- Wait, the room air sat? I guess I'm confused? Didn't you just say she was on home O2?
EMS-scoff. Yeah. We took her off it? Is that clear enough for you?
Hood Nurse- Well. Why?
EMS- Uh, snort, we wanted to see what she did?
Oh yeah, that's right. And I'm the stupid one.
Report on a 3 month old infant with a witnessed apneic period during which it turned blue, then became began breathing again:
Hood nurse: Soooo, why is this baby here instead of at the children's hospital that is ten minutes from here where they actually admit pediatrics?
EMS: Cause the baby was riding with us, and we were coming here.
Hood nurse: Oh. Great. Excellent work.
He then proceeded to sit at the nurse's station for twenty minutes hitting on my coworker and showing her things on his cell phone. The baby was transferred via private EMS later in the evening.
Report on a 27 year old who tried to tell us that "someone" drugged his black and mild:
EMS: I dunno, like, he just said he was feeling funny. His vitals are all stable and stuff.
Patient, with a heart rate of 160 on the monitor: Maaan. My chest hurts.
Yuuupp. Good job.
You know, it was said best by a friend of mine I work with, who happens to be an excellent paramedic: If you aren't going to do shit for your patients other than take them to the hospital and drop them off, I'm gonna repaint your fucking ambulance yellow and write "TAXI" on the side, because that's all you are.