I guess I'm a little better? ER BFF talked me down off the ledge. I'm so freaking lucky to have friends and family that get me. Her reaction when I told her I was thinking about applying at some slow country club ER or maybe just going to work at Starbucks and moving back in with my parents- "Seriously? God, you need a break, bad. Seriously. Take some time off, because if you are really talking about quitting something that is obviously your calling that you're obviously meant to do then something is wrong. And what are you gonna do at some posh ER? You'll hate it and it's gonna make you stupid, and you know that. You can do this. Just take a break."
And she's totally right. Hell. I was seriously one more bullshit remark away from walking out the other night, and then I took care of a bunch of sweet, awesome people tonight, and damn. The level of human connection that I'm able take from this job is unsurpassed by almost anything in the world. I hope I don't lose everyone here, but I'm like crazy obsessed with the Keirsey temperament sorter. You can read more about it here and self test, which I recommend because it's at least in my case, frighteningly accurate and amazing. Anyway, the temperaments are basically divided by your life focus and worldview. I'm an Idealist (counselor), the crazy hippies of the personality world who obsess day and night about their purpose in life. This is me to a T- obsessing about making a difference and finding my way and becoming the person I want to be. Constantly dealing with the gnawing feeling that I should be doing something more, that there is something bigger that I'm supposed to accomplish. Even at rest, I'm not at rest. My mind is racing all the time, and my dreams are just as hectic.
But when I'm taking care of someone, and I know I've actually, really helped them, and made them feel better.... I'm at rest. It's like the world that's flying by me all the time stops and I know I'm in the right place. I took care of a sweet little elderly cancer patient and his adorable family today. He was couldn't talk, but I got him some pain medicine and stood there for a while talking and explaining things to him and his sweet family, and I was able to ease their anxiety and make some jokes with them. As I went to step away, he grabbed my hand and squeezed it, looked me in the eyes and smiled. It was one of those moments where the journey could have stopped, where I could have stayed forever and known things were going to be okay. Where I knew for sure the universe was not random and awful and that I really had the power to bring peace and serenity to someone who needed it desperately.
This is my purpose in life. I'd still consider going to work on an oncology floor, but there's something about having the opportunity to have the right presence, and to say the right words in the middle of someone's worst nightmare that is so unique and wonderful. I just can't give it up yet.
BAM. Last paragraph says it all. There are so many times when I wonder if I made a mistake by going into nursing, but I know I also have the right combination of presence and skillz to genuinely reassure someone and help them feel better... and when that happens it blows my mind every single time.
ReplyDelete"The level of human connection that I'm able take from this job is unsurpassed by almost anything in the world."
ReplyDeleteAnd this: "Constantly dealing with the gnawing feeling that I should be doing something more, that there is something bigger that I'm supposed to accomplish. Even at rest, I'm not at rest. My mind is racing all the time, and my dreams are just as hectic.
But when I'm taking care of someone, and I know I've actually, really helped them, and made them feel better.... I'm at rest. It's like the world that's flying by me all the time stops and I know I'm in the right place."
Right here, you have put into words something that I've been struggling to explain for over a decade. Why do I deal with the crap (literally at times)? Because of these moments of impact.
Thanks.
A.W.
INFJ? I'm an ENFJ (teacher idealist) - the idealism is the part that can both frustrate and focus. Hope you keep the burnout at bay, and keep doing what is right for you.
ReplyDeleteLydia
....artisan performer, what the hell am I doing in health care?
ReplyDeleteNo, wait, "....they crave adventure...." there it is. And then there the whole fear of commitment, I freaked out when I realized I was looking at 4 years of uni.
Don't forget to take a break chicka, we need you idealists to inspire the rest of us.
Haha. One of my bffs is an ISFP. We need you guys to keep us happy and having fun! Glad a few people in healthcare have a sense of humor.
DeleteBeen where you are many times during my 13 years in ED, 9 of them in a ghetto ED. It's unfortunate that the satisfying moments are few & far between. And that after you get that high, your next patient will probably be an ungrateful drug seeker.
ReplyDeleteI have some fun hobbies & some great friends away from work. They have saved me so many times. I don't think about work on my days off, not at all. I spend time with my friends often. And the unconditional love from my 3 dogs helps too. Having a life away from being the ED nurse is critical.
While you seems like an excellent ED RN, it also seems like you have the knack for oncology. I've been trying to get into blogging about my experiences on a GYN Onc floor - maybe check it out? http://tealnurse.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteAs for the posh community hospital - girl you are way too smart for that. Stick with it. Or make a lateral move to something that intrigues you. That's the great thing about nursing - we can move!
YES. I've been meaning to put you on the blog roll that I've been intending to create for like, 3 years now. Your blog is another in a line of things that makes me wonder if I have the emotional fortitude required to deal with hospice/oncology/etc. I live in a world where I can pretend that people get better after they leave me. I fall in love with patients in about two hours. If I had the opportunity to really get to know them, and REALLY grow to love them, and then if I were to see their names on some of the obit lists that I've read you talking about. My God. I think that I might just implode. I admire your ability to do what you do and not fall apart so much. For reals.
DeleteGreetings!
ReplyDeleteWe wanted to let you know that your blog was selected for inclusion in our list of the Top 25 Nursing Student Blogs of 2012. You can view the list at http://www.toprntobsn.com/best-nursing-student-blogs-of-2012/.
Congratulations!
Editorial staff
TopRNtoBSN.com
editor@toprntobsn.com