Chief Complaints of the Nights

Ugh, sorry I never post anything anymore.  I guess there was some memo sent around that I didn't get about how I've been banned from actually taking care of patients or something, because I am ALWAYS triage or charge.  Unfortunately for you, dear readers, me walking around like an idiot for 12 hours yelling at my phone for ringing so much and trying to sort through my own notes about transfers and dealing with complaints from people about how we haven't fed them when they've been in the ER for three whole hours doesn't make for interesting blogging.  However, the parade of foolishness that is triage is still amusing if you don't think too hard about the reality that these people are out there, driving cars and reproducing.  Sooo here's the highlights this week:

-The guy who checked in for a prescription refill for Naproxen.  Which you can buy over the counter.
-Geriatric patient who came in DRUNK OFF HIS ASS at 4 AM for an insect bite that was most definitely not there, and then proceeded to hit on me in front of his much younger female companion.
-The lady who checked in because she was at "the age when you're supposed to get a colonoscopy".
-The lady that came in with her toddler to get the kid checked after she caught him chewing on the toilet brush.
-Guy who burned his face while smoking over the open gas tank of a running lawn mower who also hit on me, because winners.
-Concerned parent who brought in her two kids that got higher than they were used to after smoking some weed that was more potent than their usual.  I can usually keep a straight face through anything, but when questions about medical history were answered with "man, I really want some meatloaf" I completely lost my shit laughing. Relax, I then reassured mom in a very professional and therapeutic manner that no one has ever OD'd on marijuana and it was going to be okay.
-Oh, I almost forgot the guy that told us there were multi-colored bugs coming out of his butthole that jumped around and layed eggs all over the house.  YUP.
So basically this the entire shift for the last three shifts.  I can't deal with this much longer, so I'm thinking about trying to phase out my own position entirely and maybe replace it with something like this:

with all the staffing cuts, it's only a matter of time.