Lady calls 911 because her middle-aged son is on meth. Obviously emergency services are required. Anyway. So PD and EMS show up for good measure, guy is found to be hypertensive and tachycardic, what with all the meth smoking, and is transferred to Hood Hospital. YAY.
So, he of course arrives with a HR of 150, denies meth usage or ever trying meth, because he didn't have all the symptoms of meth use, and his vitals signs weren't totally consistent with someone hopped up on meth, and he wasn't jumping all over the bed and spazzing and generally acting like a fucking crack pot like every other meth user I've ever seen, or-no, wait, cancel all of those things, he WAS. Oh, and EMS found also found the crystal meth sitting right next to him when they picked him up. But yeah, okay, great, of course you've never used before. So can you go ahead and grab us a urine sample? Okay, great, the doctor will see you in a minute, bye.
I go in with the doctor for his exam and find him yanking at his penis furiously. Like, going to town. Gross.
"Hey man, what are you doing? Leave that thing alone!"
"Oh, this. Uhh, I'm trying to get a urine sample."
"Dude, that's not how that works. Put the mouse back in the house."
I wasn't buying the excuse, but he clearly thought he had come up with a winner, because he spent the entire rest of the night "trying to get a urine sample" regardless of whether staff members were present or not. Shit, even after we straight cathed him for a urine sample, he continued to try to get one for us. He was anything if not persistent. Luckily, thanks to the meth, he never reached the correct, um, condition to obtain any sort of sample. Thanks, meth.
My coworker and I had a conversation about it at one point in the night. "Ew", she said, "I would rather get like, a gallon of pee on me than get semen on me. That's disgusting." I agreed."Yup. If someone's going to do that, I at least want to make the same kind of money that those girls on the internet get. I KNOW they're making better than nurse cash."