Thursday, April 26, 2012

Helpful Tips for Drug Seeker Carpools

Hey seeker carpool! What's up guys? Thanks for choosing Hood Hospital, and thanks for all riding together to reduce your carbon footprint.  Somewhere a baby seal is thanking you.  So on behalf of baby seals everywhere, I'd like to give you a few tips on how to make sure your next group narcotic errand might be more successful.
1. Do your homework- Okay, so obviously you guys have probably exhausted all the hospital options in the city you're from.  That's cool! You'd be surprised how many of our patients have come in from out of town to see a dying relative when their narcs got stolen on the bus.  Dude. It happens all the time. But here's the thing- if you're in a city you're unfamiliar with, maybe try to blend in a little bit where it's not completely obvious that you are out of your element because it kind of raises some red flags with the staff.  Especially if you were just here yesterday with the same complaint- when you're not around your people, you're a little more memorable.  Find your people. Use yelp or something.
2. The buddy system isn't always the right call- Okay, it's a little weird for you to all check in for similar complaints.  That's another red flag for us ER people.  So if you want to be less conspicuous, it's probably easier if you don't all check in in succession and then mention to me as I'm triaging each one of you that you're all from the same city that isn't this city.  Obviously you're together.  You might as well have all just held hands and sat in a circle while I took all of your vital signs and asked you which body part hurt and which controlled substance you are out of.
3. Creativity helps- Really guys.  Please come up with different stories on why you don't have your narcs.   I know you copied off each other. Sometimes I think you're not even trying.
4. But not too much creativity- If you're all coming in for minor prescription refill complaints in one car, you better coordinate your efforts a little better or know you buddies, because now the one asshole in your crew who got tired of waiting on his prescription who suddenly became suicidal is getting sent to the psych hospital.  You guys really should have talked about this on the way here.
5. Play it cool- Thanks for playing, but it seems that the doctor recognizes one of you from yesterday and has mentioned it casually to you. It's not totally a lost cause- your friends might still get something good.  Unless you act a fool and start cussing the staff and then run around the ER and rounding up your buddies to get them to join in the nonsense. Now all of you are getting escorted out of here with nothing.  Save for the "suicidal" one that is, who has so far received only a bag of norma-sal-line for his chronic pain complaint.
All around, it's a big bummer, especially with gas costing what it does this days.  On the plus side, you're in the right part of town to buy what you want if you've got cash on you.  Sorry guys, and better luck with your next field trip! Just make sure you don't come back to Hood Hospital, cause yeah, you're like banned for life and stuff now.


  1. Oh girl ... you SO rule. :)

  2. i would like to know how the heck you get them banned? I get so tired of them coming back

  3. Hehe, too bad they don't take the time to make up a really good story..

  4. No D-word or anything similar (or script thereof) of their choice is how they get "banned" :P They figure it out pretty quick usually. Usually.

  5. "On behalf of baby seals everywhere" ---> Snort