Hood nurse: Haayy young patient with foolish complaint who's getting admitted because you're non-compliant with your beetus and blood pressure meds! I know you've been asking for some pain meds for a while now and that Dilaudid has been working pretty well, but the admitting MD isn't having that shit so it's time for you to get some Lortab! Whee!
Patient: Well, I don't think that's a good idea. I can't swallow a pill. I feel like my throat's closin' up (ed note: satting 100% on room air) They been givin' me that Dilaudid through the IV.
Hood nurse: Uh huh. Well, can you drink water? Cause I bet we could get you some liquid Lortab, we just have to get it from the pharmacy.
Patient: Well, that doesn't even matter, because also, I'm allergic to that and ya'll should have that in my chart. Yeah.
Hood Nurse: Hrm. Well, I sure don't. I just don't know why. Let me note that for you so they don't try to give you a prescription for that when they discharge you. I'll go let the doctor know right now.
Patient: Well, let him know that I'm allergic to anything for pain that isn't Dilaudid.
Hood nurse: Really?
Patient: Yeah. I can only get Dilaudid. I don't remember what all that other stuff is called but I'm allergic to all of it.
Seriously? Fail. Listen, lying to my face is one thing, but do you have to be so effin lazy about it? I mean, seriously? At least memorize "toradol" and "fentanyl" and come back when you're ready to come drug seek with your shit prepared. That's just disrespectful.
Now, you see. That is just disrespectful.
ReplyDeleteIf someone is going to lie straight to your face, they ought to at least have the common decency to make it even semi-believable.
I know, right? Bring your A game, fools.
ReplyDeleteYeah, Dilaudid man, it's the shizzle. Gets you high, makes you puke, and you itch all over like a mad fool. Just what I always wanted!
ReplyDeleteI swear I've had this patient!
ReplyDeletegrrr it ate my comment...
ReplyDeletei hate it when they pretend not to be able to pronouce it. Like dil dila dilado...you know? Evil as I am i just play dumb...hmm i have no idea what your talking about hun sorry
Bahaha. I like to do the same thing. I just give them the big confused doe eyes until they spit out the word "Dilaudid". Oh yeah, that. No, you're not getting that.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite is when they come in with unidentified abdominal pain, we do the entire work up which is always negative and they want that dilaudid. So with a very sympathetic face, I tell them we're going to need to do both a vaginal AND a rectal just to be sure we've covered all of our bases.....
ReplyDeleteAssholes.
"No, I can't even swallow water. I'm allergic to it, and I must be allergic to oxygen because it makes me itch all over."
ReplyDeleteIdjeets!
Pattie, RN
Too funny and so true, I love it when they actually say I am allergic to Toradol, morphine, oh and percocet. Dilaudid IV works best!!!!
ReplyDeleteI have had over 10 angio's and stent placements. The dye used causes my kidneys to hurt so bad! They give me morphine injected into my IV and it doesn't phase it a few hours later I am puking from the pain. Finally the doctor orders that dilaudid and hallelujah! No Pain! I do not take as much as an Aspirin at home a bottle will get thrown out because it expires. I just have a very strange metabolism. My dentist has to give me the novacaine injections an hour or more before he does any major work. It usually kicks in full strength hours later.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I tell the nurses every time that the morphine won't work. They probably think I am some drug seeker.
I actually don't really get suspicious if people who have a long surgical or medical history can tell me if a pain medicine doesn't work for them- that is to be expected. It's definitely pure foolishness, though, when there is "allergies" to EVERY pain med that is not the narc of choice. Like when there was the national shortage of Dilaudid, suddenly people started to remember that maybe they weren't allergic to Demerol that one time after all....
ReplyDeleteoh my god, I am LOVING this blog. I was hospitalized for over a month for peritonitis in a Chicago hospital with a lot of drug-seeking patients, & reading these stories helps flesh out the brief "oh yeah, crappy night; someone pulled out all their IVs & bled all over the floor" stories. & for a while I was right across the hall from a med seeker we nicknamed "Gollum" because she would just constantly moan "oh jeezus, oh god I'm dying" at the top of her lungs.
ReplyDeleteBahaha Gollum. We see a nursing home patient semi frequently that both looks and sounds like Gollum. I know it's wrong and it sounds horrible, but once you think it, you can never un-think it. Whenever I walk by a room and she's there I hear "my preeccciouss" in my head and then wait for the bolt of lightening to come crashing down on me.
ReplyDeleteAlso, much admiration for dealing with peritonitis. I remember reading about it in nursing school and thinking about how that is probably one of the most painful things possible.
ReplyDeleteAnon-Peritonitis here again--haha, apparently I'm a secret badass because my ED admission came more than a week after my appendicitis symptoms developed (although I did see a doctor a couple days into those who was like, "eat some soup & take Nexium"...that's a whole other story, but fun fact: some folks experience pain relief when their appendix bursts because the pressure's gone! guess what happened to me...) my running joke now is that the bowel is like Vegas: what happens there, should stay there.
ReplyDeletetwo surgeries, 3 CTs, two NG tubes, prally 100,000 calories of TPN, a blood transfusion, & countless "hats" full of you-know-what to test for C.Diff later, I have a huge amount of respect/affection/admiration for all the amazing people in the healthcare field. my floor nurses were so great to me (& it was touching, if sad, to see their faces fall when they came into my room after I was readmitted a couple weeks after my first discharge.) all this stuff happened almost a year ago, but I still think about everyone who helped me on a daily basis--so as awful as some "patients" can be, know that we "real" ones are hugely appreciative of everything you guys do for us.
Anon-peritonitis again--just thought I'd add that I ended up on your blog after googling "feculent vomit" after seeing the term on another site, i.e., "oh, that's what that was." I was accidentally put on liquids against doctor's orders when I had ileus, leading me to wake up in the middle of the night &...yeah. I refused to go to sleep without a bucket within arm's reach for the remainder of my stay(s), even though I never really had another episode of nausea.
ReplyDeleteI also cracked up the nurse who helped clean me/everything else up (& who was SO nice about the whole thing); he was colorblind & wanted my input in filling out the chart. "what color would you say that is?" "uh, I don't know...ochre?" "OCHRE?!(laughing)" "what? I was an art major." "no, no, ochre's great--I'm writing that down."
lol, ochre.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, though. What makes dilaudid seem like heaven's manna to drug seekers? (Nursing student here, forgive the unenlightened)