I think about the family members with zero medical background who want to nitpick the ER staffs choices on IV placement. I mean, seriously? I don't try to tell the A/C repairman how to do his job. I don't break into the kitchen at McDonalds and tell you how to flip my burger. Why do you think you can tell me how to start my IV? I was telling my super awesome charge nurse about this today, after some douche lady kicked him out of her husbands room because he didn't attempt an IV start on her husband where she thought he should. By the way, he's the best IV starter of anyone in our entire ED. If someone did this to me on my last day, I would hand them the IV start kit and a saline flush and tell them to go to town. "Oh. You know how to do this then? Cool. Here you go. Yeah. We need a purple, two greens, and one blue tube for the labs the doctor has ordered on your husband. Yeah, I'm sure you do this all the time so you already know how much to put in each one. Awesome. Call us when you're done and we'll bring his meds. What, you're a bank teller and you don't start IVs at your job? Well, you seem to think you know everything so I'm sure you can figure it out. Make sure you use a 22 gauge or larger so it's easy for the CT tech to inject the contrast. Later!"
I have this other fantasy when I'm at triage and I type up this document in very classy script like they would use at a fancy restaurant to place next to the check in forms that reads as follows:
Due to a high demand and a disappointing crop, we will not be offering Dilaudid or Phenergan on our menu this evening or for coming evenings until further notice. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause and hope that you will still thoroughly enjoy your experience at Hood Hospital.
Sincerely, HH staff.
I swear. My night at triage would be so much better.
Or probably my most frequent, where I transport a patient to ICU, they give me attitude as always, and instead of responding in a passive aggressive manner like I usually do, I just throw off my jacket and take out my earrings and respond the way most of our patients would. "Bitch, why you looking at me like that? I drew your AM labs, ho, so you best step off before I tear out your weave. Yeah. That's what I thought." And then I would throw my Spectralink to the ground all gangsta like before the police show up in record time to escort me off the premises.
Ah. It feels so real after the 3 glasses of box wine I just drank. If only I didn't really, really, need the money.