It's basically the same old struggle that I find myself more or less aware of from day to day. I've always had insanely high standards for everyone around me and even higher standards for myself to the point that I'm usually at least a little bit disappointed. Usually it just means I try incredibly hard and take pleasure in little accomplishments while constantly pushing to do more. Usually I can see the the good through the ugliness in the world and accept it for what it is. But occasionally I just get so overwhelmed by it all that it just seems pointless. How can I be more than a drop in the bucket when everything is already so wrong? I alternate between feeling like part of the problem and feeling so alienated from everyone and everything that I question whether there is anything I can do to help.
I grapple with this every few months at least- teetering between maintaining my borderline unsustainably idealistic worldview and going completely over the edge into frustration and hopelessness. Taking an honest inventory of myself and questioning whether I really have what it takes to make anything better. So far adulthood has meant that I don't allow myself to constantly get overwhelmed and saddened by the challenge at hand like I did when I was younger, but the expectations stay the same. With age I've gotten tough enough deal with it, to push the critical narrative out of my head long enough to get things done, but it's still easy to get stuck inside my own head sometimes.
Anyway. I think and I hope that I will push through the other side of this soon. I have in the past. I just wonder now if this is something that I'll always be dealing with, or if at some point I'll start seeing things like everyone else seems to. I'm really not sure which one I want.