Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The True Mark of Experience

Some people might think that competency in a critical care situation, or knowing how to titrate drip, or some shit, is the true marker of being experienced.  I'm coming to terms with being experienced, I guess.  I mean, it's been nearly four years, and I'm more experienced than most of the people I work with, so whatever, sure.   But let me tell you.  At least for me, I knew how to titrate Nicardipine and Levophed, like, year one, because my patients were sick as hell all day everyday.
Naw, real experience has to do with dealing with shit like this:
So, dude presents with a butt abscess or some equally unrelated shit, it really makes zero difference, but upon discharge, dude is all, "Um, let me ax you a medical question"
and I'm all "Sure, shoot"
and he's all "It's personal"(translation it's about teh secks)
and I'm all "aw fuck"
and he's like "So my girlfriend (who BT-Dubs eds note is sitting right there) thinks I can't get a boner b/c I don't like her but it's not like that, I totally dig her but it's not happening for some reason."
So year one nurse me would have blushed and been all "I'm sorry, I can't answer that" but experienced me was like "Look, I don't know for sure because I don't even know you like that, but what you need to do is find you a doctor, and make sure everything is all good with your health and your penis and all that.  And if everything is OK on that front, you guys should probably see a counselor or something, but imma start with this referral to a doctor, any questions? Okay, great, bye."
Yeah, for real.  I hate to break the hearts of you new nurses, but this is mostly the type of clinical skill you'll gain after 2 and a half years of this foolishness.

Edited to add: apparently "butt access" is not a real thing, at least in the context I meant it. For future reference, one drink before blogging is totally okay but 3 is too many.  The more you know....


  1. He! Pharmacist here - after graduation I was like that, too!

    One night I had twitchy dude at the pharmacy looking around the OTC section, because 'I need to be clean, stuff is just stuck IN THERE, for years, and I think it is making me SICK'. He wanted advice on how to do a 'High Colonic Cleanse'. Not exactly taught in pharmacy school. Maybe in Holistic Beauty School, but then he wasn't exactly dressed to enter into a spa. Sheepishly, I directed him magnesium citrate or some such and then sat down. What in the name of Hades was I doing? Now, stuff like that is a drop in the bucket. I have become a duck - because just like water falls off the duck's waterproof feathers, crap like that just falls off me. It has to, because I won't allow it to go home with me.

  2. I know it is a typo, but "butt access" had me lol all over the place.

  3. Man, I've got to stop blogging while I've been drinking.

  4. I love your blog.

  5. Hahaha, I just thought "butt access" was something I haven't learned in nursing school yet. Your blog cracks me up.

  6. Hey! I’m a writer for the blog I wanted to do a little interview on you, your blog, and your issues/views on urgent care.
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  7. Don't ever leave again!!! I missed this blog!!!

  8. Yes, where did you go for a few days?! I was so sad to see you had disappeared!

  9. So is responding "Have you ever considered that you might be gay?" appropriate? Cause I'd have to fight hard not to say that in that situation.