Friday, August 31, 2012


Right, so I'm triaging this lady the other day for some vague pregnancy-related complaint and I'm asking her the standard OB type prenatal care GPblahblahblah type of questions.  I mean, I know these are easy things for me to answer, because the answer is currently and may always just be "naw dude, never", but I'm a little taken aback when the answer to "how many times have you been pregnant?" is answered with an indifferent shrug.
Huh? You don't know how many times you've been pregnant? I mean... can you give me, like, a general number?
Uh, maybe like 15 or 16?
Mmmkay then.  How many children?
So the other pregnancies were stillbirths, miscarriages, terminations?
Some miscarriages and some terminations.
How many of each?
Yeah, I don't remember.

Okay, look. I'm overall pretty pro-choice and women's health and freedom and Planned Parenthood and make it rain birth control at a reasonable cost for everyone everywhere BUT COME ON. SERIOUSLY DUDE. Hi, if you can't remember how many times you've been pregnant and your answer for how many abortions you've had is pretty much how I would answer if someone asked me how many sandwiches I ate last week, maybe it's time to look into condoms or maybe just not having sex for a while.  You're probably having the problems you're having right now because your uterus is tired and cranky and it just wants a vacation.  STOP IT.  Give it a break for like, a year. PLEASE.

P.S. Everyone.  Please don't make me regret sharing this anecdote by turning the comments section into a shit-throwing contest about Roe V. Wade.  You're never going to change each other's minds about anything ever. K thanks.


  1. Exactly...I love when people come into clinic with multiple children under 5 years, offered FREE BC (Depo aka 4 times a YEAR) and DECLINE. I'm dumbfounded

  2. Maybe y'all should offer her a free copy of Model Railroader or something, see if she might take up a new hobby. :P

    1. That struck me as really funny..."I was into abortions and unplanned pregnancies like back in the day, but now I'm mostly into knitting socks and quilting."

  3. Maybe she'll get lucky and her uterus will be lying on the bed next to her soon. Nothing like a prolapsed uterus!

  4. I win. In triage the other day a G22P3. All terminations.

  5. Is "G?P3A?" a legitimate thing to chart or would that be frowned upon by management/quality/legal experts? Ha!

  6. Reminds me of that demotivational classic: "'s not a clown car"

  7. I have always wondered....why do we need an exact number? Just put down "none" "a couple" or "a whole bunch".

    It's like when I worked L&D and we had to weigh the damn placentas. It's either "big" or "small". What's more important is - is it intact or not.

    Who cares about exact numbers when it really doesn't matter?

  8. I always get the opposite reaction. I've been pregnant 7 times and delivered 9 babies and they always think I counted wrong. No people...I can count. I've just been pregnant a hell of a lot. Get over it.