Thursday, September 16, 2010

Reach for the Stars!

Ugh. Sorry guys. I have sucked at updating this lately. I really have trouble motivating myself to write about work when it seems like I have nothing to do but complain, but hot damn. The douchebag stretch has continued with very few exceptions.
I have some things to be thankful for- we're actually adequately staffed, which is amazing.
And I took care of the most wonderful old lady the night before last. I mean, she was the cutest ever. And so sweet. She actually said to me at one point, "I'm so thankful you came into my life. I could just be around you forever. It's so wonderful to be around happy people." Had she not had to stay and repair her broken leg, I probably would have picked her up and taken her home with me.
Now for last night. Not so much luck. For every sweet normal patient, there were 3 psycho douches on the loose in all my other rooms. It wasn't all bad, however, because I've kind of figured something out. I'm almost okay with douchebaggery if you make it an art form. I'm talking, really, truly, dedicating your whole visit to being absolutely crazy and unreasonable. It's the in betweens that kill me.
Whining and requesting Dilaudid for your UTI is just annoying. Coming in and being "allergic" to everything except Dilaudid and Phenergan and then trying to convince me that it's fine for me to discharge you with the Huber needle still in your Mediport because they do it at your cancer center all the time just makes me want to hit you.
No. If you want to act like a jackass, you need to just aim high and go for the gold so at least you're entertaining. For example, try coming the ER on an ambulance a day after you've signed out AMA from another hospital for a uterine prolapse you've had for 10 years but refuse to have fixed, and sign out AMA repeatedly from said ER as soon as you get your narcotic pain meds. Do it frequently enough that the staff is on a first name basis with you. But make sure to walk the halls with your prolapse hanging out and dripping God-knows-what secretions all over the floor for all the patients and their family members to see. Take your prolapse along with you into the trauma room where your nurse is trying to start an IV so that your can tell her to call the EMS service to tell them to hurry up because it's been 20 minutes and they're taking too long. Make sure you insist on being discharged with Hydrocodone because "it's the only thing that works." If you really want to shine at hood hospital, you need to aim for the stars.
How about refusing to be triaged because it's too cold in the waiting room, and sleeping in the play area whilst scaring the shit out of everyone's children? Make sure when you finally do get back to be triaged, your only complaint is the HIV you've had for 15 years that you've stopped taking meds for for 8 years, despite the fact that you get government assistance. Make sure to refuse to be weighed, especially if one of your complaints was weight loss. When you do get back to a room and the nurse tries to draw your blood, don't give it away for free. You should try to charge the nurse at least twenty dollars a tube and insist on being admitted without having any tests run first. When you do inevitably get discharged, don't leave unless escorted out by the police. Make sure you use every racial slur possible when interacting with the staff about your discharge instructions. Continue to demand money for your blood, and refuse to walk out of the room that you walked back to because your feet hurt. When the police do haul you away, it's a good idea to exit the ER screaming that your nurse is a bitch hoe who stole your 5 ccs of HIV positive blood and sold it for money, and that she is the reason you don't fuck with white bitches. Bonus if you ask the officer who is escorting you off the premises,"Why do you defend these whores?" Yeah. It's lots of fun for everyone. At least when you do this, we can stand outside your room and laugh hysterically while you're taken away in cuffs insisting on another popsickle because your other one melted, and we have stories to tell our friends over beers. Anything worth doing is worth doing right, damn it.


  1. OMG, remind me to stay far far away from your hospital. I cannot imagine dealing with that on a daily basis, I would either be in jail for hurting somebody or drink way too much. Kudos to you for staying and being the best nurse you can to the ungrateful **sholes.

  2. glad u are back...and with gusto!....missed u ... was hoping u were out there still. :)

  3. "Don't give it away for free." Haha! Awesome!

  4. Makes me wonder how people don't realize exactly how ridiculous they are.

    And walking around with your uterus hanging out? Wow. Just, wow.

  5. PS: I really dig your profile pic, creative!

  6. You are absolutely hilarious. I love your blog!!!