Come one, come all

One of my work friends is the most hilarious angry person ever- I'll always remember the night that her whole side was full of combative and hateful patients and she went on a huge rant after work in the morning about it. "It was a special for douchebags" she said. "Somebody put a sign up. 2 for 1. Bring all your douchebags. Come one, come all."

That's all I could think of tonight. Holy shit. All night long from the second we got there. Douchebags on parade. The day nurse talking crazy to me in report over me mentioning a page was missing out of a chart. The crazy lady who kept demanding pain medicine with a negative CT who insisted we give her a soft c-collar to wear home. Oh, yeah. And the police had to escort her out to get her to leave. Sweet.

Record AWOLs. Oh, you're not going to give me the prescriptions/treatments/tests I think I need NOW? No, that's okay. I'll just take out my own IV and leave. Great. Awesome.

It's also hot right now to lie about having a ride home. No, it's okay. Go ahead and give me that Morphine.

The lady with the "migraine headaches" who was allergic to everything that you usually prescribe for migraine headaches? Shocker. The one who of course gets no relief from non narcotics, but the last time she was here we gave her that D medicine and that seemed to help her a lot. Well, she got some Demerol. Apparently that wasn't the right D medicine but the person who gave it to her forgot to ask if she had a ride home so we were stuck with that foolishness for a minute. By the time she did produce a ride home for herself (also, for her 9 year old son who she had brought along for the party, because why not?) her blood pressure was too low for that other D medicine so she opted to stay for another liter of saline so she could experience the healing touch of Dilaudid. Her ride didn't get it and actually asked me how long it would take for her blood pressure to be high enough. Really!? Also, she tried to tell us she was homeless but she had a blackberry and had just gotten a new tattoo that day. Bitch, please. I can't afford a new tattoo. Amazingly, once we delivered the correct D medicine, her migraine was cured and kittens and rainbows actually flew out of the IV site when she "accidentally" took it out herself. Fabulous!

Once we finally got rid of her, she passed the douche torch to the husband of another patient who presented to the hospital because she didn't follow her diet orders after being discharged for gastroenteritis the day before. After walking up to the desk 4 times in an hour to insist his wife be seen above the patients waiting in front of her, he finally demanded that we call an ambulance for his wife because "we clearly weren't going to do anything for her". Yeah, no. Not how ERs work. I told him such and he nearly ran the practitioner over with the wheelchair he grabbed to try to roll her out in as she was walking in to see the patient. The patient was fine. She was discharged within the hour with exactly what we thought she had.

Luckily, the educator didn't let the ball drop by walking in and talking crazy to me about some foolish paperwork he never sent me about getting "checked off" to work in triage (never mind the fact that had already been working up there for several months before they decided I needed to be trained and checked off) and then being an ultra mega douche when I had no idea what he was talking about.

Oh! And I almost forgot! The guy whose mom died four times last year- I guess she died for the 5th time last night! Yup! I may have remembered his name and made a couple of phone calls to EVERYONE about that as soon as I saw his name on the tracker.

In my head, I imagine it was probably him that led the march of douchebags to the ER last night, and that there might have been a bullhorn involved. "Come one, come all, to hood hospital! Follow me to all your work excuses for STDs, your favorite D medicines, sandwich trays, and free yellow fall risk footies! 2 for 1! Huzzah!"