Saturday, July 20, 2013

A Long Time Coming

Yeah, not that it'll be a surprise, but I think it's about time to shut this thing down.  At least for a while.   For one, way the hell too many real world folk know who I am now, which is pretty astounding for a blog I basically told zero people about when I started it.  The more common knowledge this thing is, the higher the likelihood that it will cause me problems.  Paranoid? Probably.  But shit, guys, I don't really have many other skills than being an ER nurse, and I got bills to pay.
That's really not all, though.  This might be harder for me if I was even getting the same things out of it as when I started, but it's different.  I'm in a different place now than when I started in that the challenges in my career are not so much needing a place to vent as needing a place to reflect.  And while I'm sure that heavy shit I occasionally put out here is super fun to read all the time, it's about equally fun to write (i.e. not at all.)  As much as the times I manage to put my doubts out there tend to clear my head; as much as the feedback I get from all the wonderful people that read this blog tends to give me a new perspective and heal my wounds and help me to forgive myself, I can't help but feel like my struggles are essentially the same ones over and over again.  Plus, it isn't like any of you are getting paid to be my therapist or anything.
When I started in the ER I really just needed to relay and almost confirm that the alternate reality, the moments that if I didn't know better, I would think were staged by some tru TV camera crew, that it wasn't just me getting shocked out of my suburban white girl shell, but that this shit actually was crazy. Some of it's still a little funny.  Sometimes the alternate reality confused me, or made me angry, and I kind of just needed to way to make sense of it all.  It's an interesting position to be in, though, when the emotions that you have basically based your writing on are really no longer your own.  What I once would have considered shocking or funny worthy of my ire just simply is now.  Combative drunks and drug seekers are my day to day world.  For the last couple of months, I've felt like I've actually struggled to make jokes about some of the things I see, to keep up my snark and cynicism about things that when they happened to me, elicited little more than an eye roll.  Things that were mildly annoying that I would certainly forget about were it not for me trying to drudge them up and force myself to feel something about them one way or another.
And ultimately, trying to drudge up snark is a very troublesome thing when it comes to my other struggles.  The struggle to be kind, to be nonjudgmental, a good Christian- one that puts living the way I'm called to live above people thinking I'm funny or smart.  I've been- I'll say reading- struggling- through Dietrich Bonhoeffer's Discipleship over the last several months.  For those unfamiliar with Bonhoeffer, he was an incredible German theologian and modern martyr, that regardless of your religious affiliation or lack thereof, is worthy of endless admiration.  Bonhoeffer lived and wrote about the Christian life in a way that is more challenging and demanding of action that anything I've ever encountered.   His adherence to his principles and his faith ultimately lead to his death at the hand of the nazis in 1945.  
The point of all this is that his works have really caused me to look at myself and see the hypocrisy and my own ongoing willingness to try to be kind and gentle in some facets of my life and judgement and hateful in others.  I have a big problem with making observations and forming immediate judgements.  It's in my nature.  I know this is always going to be a point I struggle with.   The way Bonhoeffer talks about it, though, is enlightening.  If you'll humor me, he says "Judging is the forbidden evaluation of other people. It corrodes simple love. Love does not prohibit my having my own thoughts about others or my perceiving their sin, but both thoughts and perceptions are liberated from evaluating them. They thereby become only an occasion for that forgiveness and unconditional love Jesus gives me."
I know this is right.  I know that what this blog- maybe what it started as, or maybe what it's become, has been a platform from which I've judged others very harshly while ignoring my own piles of bullshit. I do this plenty at work and at home without having yet another outlet in where I feed off my own negativity. I just feel like stepping away right now is a necessary step in cutting ties with some of the things inside me I don't like
I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense, or if it seems like I've gone of the deep end.  The one thing I will truly regret about leaving this behind is all the kindness and grace I've received from so many of you in my times of need.  So many of you have really embodied the spirit of this "simple love" that I'm striving for with varying degrees of success (mostly very little) as of late.  Hopefully I can get better at this, and maybe find a way to talk about what I do from a more positive place.  Until then- thank you all for everything.

38 comments:

  1. Hey thanks for your honesty throughout the journey. I am especially impressed with your desire to be more christlike. Mother Theressa said "if you judge people you don't have time to love them" it seemed pretty similar to the Bonhoeffer quote. I would love to hear about how you try to become better (maybe in a different blog?) but I know that can be a personal journal you probably don't really want to share with the internet. Anyway best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm sorry to see you go but I also understand the need and desire to change your life to become the person you are supposed to be. I wish you the best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sorry you're leaving, but I totally understand.
    It's hard to be like Christ if you're allowing yourself to think too negatively about your patients. I struggle with it too. It's one thing to feel it, in the moment, and reign in my thoughts there, and remind myself to be compassionate; it's another to dig it up and drag it out into the sunlight after the fact and confirm and reaffirm that my thoughts and feelings aren't anywhere near Christlike at all.
    I think I need to relearn what the Christian equivalent to 'venting' is. I think it's probably something like prayer.
    Also: Bonhoeffer's some good stuff. Glad you're putting things like that into your brain.
    Go in peace!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I enjoyed reading your blog.

    And I really enjoyed reading this post. So full of maturity, growth, insight, and reality. Good for you!

    Best wishes to you as you continue to move forward, deal with the insane and inane, and try to continue to make sense of this thing called life.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You have to walk in your own shoes, and live your own life.

    But a little suggestion from a fellow struggler-with-things-with-eternal-consequences:
    Don't get so hung up on the Sunday School Gentle Jesus Meek and Mild (which is just as false and forbidden as ignoring him completely), that you forget that he had a habit of telling it like he saw it (which got him crucified, you'll recall) and that even he saw the occasional need to administer a well-deserved whipping. I wouldn't presume to make that call for him, but I wish he'd drop by my office once in awhile for a little housekeeping; plus the whole healing with a touch thing would be kind of handy in our career field.

    Don't forget to take a little time away from the battlefield now and again to recharge your batteries. Your blog will be missed. I wish you nothing but the best in your future endeavors.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I've really enjoyed your blog, but I get where you are coming from. Best of luck on your journey! I hope you find what you're looking for :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. You're cool! Thanks for the laughs :D

    ReplyDelete
  8. Do what you must in order to be the person you are. I have really enjoyed reading your blog but at the same time, I understand the need to step away. Best to you in all you do.

    ReplyDelete
  9. As a fellow ER nurse, I have tremendously enjoyed reading your blog. You put things into words that I could not, and you made me laugh.
    As much of a smart ass as I am, I start every day to work with a prayer that I might have grace and compassion with each of the people I meet at work. I feel like we each walk in a different pair of shoes, and luckily, God gave me a decent pair to walk in. Otherwise I might be living off the state and asking for more of 'that D medicine'!
    I admire the path you are choosing to explore. I just want you to keep one important thing in mind. I believe you have a very important gift. It is the gift of words. The way you write conveys so much thought, feeling, insight, and humor. Wherever your path leads you, please, find a place to keep writing. Good luck to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's be impossible to agree with Anon 1:57. You really know how to paint a picture and tell a story with your words.

      Delete
    2. oh dear, that should be agree MORE lol!

      Delete
  10. i love that man- we read discipleship together as a part of the scholarship i am a part of. it sounds like you are putting it into practice more than a lot of us who are entering vocational ministry. thanks for sharing your life for a little while. open up a new reflective blog, no link to this one, and i bet there will be people who want to read/engage... i know i would.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Well, shit. The blog shall be missed, but I understand all too well. Thanks for it and your honesty.

    ReplyDelete
  12. will miss you! All the best on your journey.
    PS: A little snark is good sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Bummer. I'll miss your blog and wish you well.

    ReplyDelete
  14. You sound like a fantastic nurse, I wish you all the best. Although, the stories you've told, I don't think I can find any as good...

    ReplyDelete
  15. Good luck-- I've really enjoyed your writing, and admire your desire to step away from the negative.
    Eve

    ReplyDelete
  16. I will miss you, but welcome to the human race. I used to be perfect until I opened my eyes, ears, and heart. I send you a virtual hug and wish you the best in your journey.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I've enjoyed reading your blog but understand the need for a break whether permanent or temporary. Life changes and so do priorities. Good luck with all you strive for.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Good luck. Go in peace.

    Thanks for giving us ER rns a place to go to say, "Someone else gets it and sees what we see. It's fucked up, ain't it?"

    Carry on. Have some fun. Keep rockin it since you seem like you are a great nurse.

    You will be missed, my online friend.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Pretty much agree with everyone else, go in peace!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Thanks for the emjoyment of reading your blog. You've made it much easier to empathize with the harried health workers we are sometimes too impatient with. If I am ever in need of emergency dept. services, I hope that I encounter a nurse like you.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Man, I'll miss you. I know what you mean about struggling to be a good Christian while also being sarcastic by nature and constantly facing situations where you're dealing with such difficult people as an ER nurse. It's hard not to judge them after awhile, and joking about it is a coping mechanism. Then once you leave work you're like "I really didn't feel any Christ-like love for my patients today, I suck". I deal with it by taking the easy way out and working in peds most of the time, where the love comes much easier.

    I totally respect whatever you need to do to deal with it as well. But I'm keeping this blog on my favorites list in the hopes that you someday come back!

    ReplyDelete
  22. wow. You are one of my favorite bloggers. I will miss you and hope you decide to come back.

    ReplyDelete
  23. "I have a big problem with making observations and forming immediate judgements. It's in my nature. I know this is always going to be a point I struggle with."

    This is always going to be a point that the human race struggles with. Consider how deep, vast, and amazing the love of Christ is. It's no wonder we have a very hard time understanding it and putting it into practice. Yet that is exactly what we're supposed to do.

    I will miss your snark as it's such a guilty pleasure! But I am really awed that you are dying to yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Delurking to say that I've been following your blog for a long, long time. I really appreciate what you do. Thank you for telling it like it is, the good, the bad and the ugly. You're a talented writer, and I hope you will continue to write even if it isn't a nurse blog. All the best to you, and thanks for the memories.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Best of luck and love in your future. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with us. By all means, keep writing. Write on a different blog, write privately, write fiction but keep writing.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I'm going to miss your blog. I'm still pretty new (1.5 years) and I started in a very Hood hospital and your blog comforted me. It helped to read your stories and realize yes, this shit really is fucked up, even in other Hood hospitals.

    I recently moved to Swanky Suburban Hospital because my Hood Hospital job made me a rather intolerable bitch at home who drank too many margaritas. Like, don't ask me CAGE or AUDIT questions too much. 3 weeks in and I am a totally different person. Maybe not all of us are Hood Hospital material. I am still keeping my PRN job in the Hood Hospital psych department, which ought to be enough for my Jesus cred. I hope you find or come closer to your peace but remember that the Hood Hospitals of the world are always hiring if you need to take a break.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I hope to see you on twitter. I post there occasionally. I'm still an er nurse but have found yoga calms me and makes me not care about the fools in the er as much.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I am really going to miss your blog. I work in "hood hospital" of Chicago, and I can relate so much to the things you write about. (It's like we're working in the same hospital!) Your blog has been a kind of therapy for me. It's allowed me to reflect, and given a nudge to get back in the game each day to take on the next challenge. Good luck, and thank you so much for what you've put out here in the blog-o-verse!

    ReplyDelete
  29. I've really enjoyed your blog. . .you are a wonderful writer and extremely funny! Every time I look at a monitor, and there's a really ugly rhythm on it, I think to myself, "an OMG WTF rhythm!" And I promise to always remember that A, B and C come before G for gown. Thanks for writing, come back someday when you're ready!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Aw, shucks! I'm going to miss you. But I totally get it and respect your decision. Best of luck.

    ReplyDelete
  31. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Hopefully you decide to start blogging again soon! Best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
  33. This is a wonderfully well written blog. I've often thought about working in the ER after I graduate nursing school. but then other times I lean towards NICU. I like that you are so open and honest about how you feel. I'm sure you will find a place to call home! Best of luck to you!

    ReplyDelete
  34. I used to feel the same way - finding a balance between being a good christian and ultimately being a good nurse. So many days and nights where i'd question my existence, if i was really doing good in the world and over 3 times I walked up to my superiors office wanting to quit but never doing it. Writing has been therapeutic as well as joining nursing forums where I felt I wasn't alone and it helped me live through the lives of other nurses who have the same vision as I. Reach out - talk about it with others - that is what keeps me going.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Good luck, I had followed your blog a while back and stumbled on it again. Sad to see you go but all the best in your career. Come back and let us know how you're doing once in a while.

    ReplyDelete