Dude with multiple non-Dilaudid allergies and many visits this year (who also, BTW, looks awfully familiar from Hood Hospital but you can never be sure) presents with abdominal pain complete with moaning, kicking, screaming and dry heaving. Chronic pancreatitis. Allegedly.
Reasonably suspicious doctor is activated and labs are initiated based on nurse assessment, along with fluids and nausea meds because we are totes compassionate, after all. But sorry bro, the doctor is super busy right now and he's just not comfortable with giving Dilau-da to a patient he hasn't laid eyes on. All samples are obtained, with exception of urine, of course. In the mean time, the patient apparently gets sick of screaming "NURSE" constantly despite having the call light close by and drifts off into a peaceful slumber with his hands down his pants. Also, to throw an M. Night Shyamalan twist on top of it all, his pancreatic enzymes are all normal.
So he's just sitting there sleeping with his totally normal labs, his fluids are done, time to get some pee and GTFO. So, I wake the dude up in this is seriously what transpires:
Hood Nurse:"Hey, so it's been a while since we tried before and it looks like your fluids are done, do you think you could try again to get me a urine sample?"
Pt (adjusting himself):"Naw, y'all already tried to make me go, I don't gotta go right now."
Hood Nurse:"Okay, well, it's been over an hour since you've tried, and everything else is back and other patients are waiting on this room, so the doctor may want me to put a tube in your bladder to collect the urine if you're unable to obtain a specimen on your own."
Pt:"Man, what the FUCK, this is STUPID, I don't know why I should be in a hurry to get y'all no urine sample when you guys obviously aren't in any hurry to get me no GODDAMN PAIN MEDICINE, man, this hospital is shiiitt."
Hood Nurse:"Sir, we don't routinely give pain medicine to patients who are sleeping soundly. It's a safety issue because it makes you more likely to stop breathing."
Pt:"Well obviously I MADE MYSELF GO TO SLEEP BECAUSE OF ALL THE PAIN. This is STUPID."
I returned 5 minutes later to a urine sample. And the patient, asleep with his hands down his pants. AGAIN. That's a pretty amazing trick; I'll have to suggest it to next person who needs a shoulder reduction. "Okay, I know this hurts really bad, here's your options. We can either give you pain meds or you can grab your penis and make yourself fall asleep." We've been wasting time with narcotics for YEARS.