Birds of a Feather

Hood Hospital triage, 3 AM- two young ladies check in together. Both young ladies, I would say would probably wear about a size 14, but insist on wearing what I can only assume is about a size 8. Muffin top abound. I proceed to triage girl 1.

Hood nurse: Hi there ma'am! What's going on today? What brought you to the ER?

Girl 1: Hi, hi ma'am. Um, well, you see, I came in today because I, I have pain in my kidney, I have kidney problems, and like, I'm here because I was like, just at County Hospital, like just there, and my ovaries hurt, and you see they did the tests and they put the thing in me and they started this IV, see, right here, and they were gonna do a CAT scan but then they didn't and no one told me what was wrong and my kidneys are like really really hurting and they gave me some Morphine but I think it's starting to wear off and it's starting to hurt again and I don't know what's wrong and I'm really reallly scared, ma'am-

Hood nurse: Wait. Hold up. You were seen for this same thing at County Hospital and they did a full work up but you don't know what any of the results are? Did they not give you any discharge paperwork?

Girl 1:Well, no, because, see, I had to sign do the AMA and I told them I didn't want to do the AMA but my friend, she had her gallbladder taken out there, and I had mine taken out too, but they like, just did hers but she had to go but they still gave me this Morphine but I think it's wearing off, but my grandma gave me some of here Hydrocodone the other day and it helped and I could clean my house, and also, I don't know if this matters but I had Gonorrhea and Chlamydia but I took that medicine but I never went to see if it was better but I took all of it so it should be fine right? But now miss it really really hurts right here (grabbing suprapubic area)

Hood nurse: Okay ma'am, well, we'll get that checked out for you. Can you tell me if you have any medical problems?

Girl 1: Well I go to the mental health clinic and they say I have bipolar and ADHD and I take that Trazadone and Xanax but I'm out of Xanax and basically I'm just crazy I guess.

So, out to the waiting room she goes, and her friend comes into the triage booth:

Girl 2: Please be nice, not like at County Hospital, they suck.

Hood Nurse: Um, sure. What's going on today?

Girl 2: Well my legs hurt and all down here and it just really really hurts and I went to County Hospital and they were like really mean and I like just had my gallbladder taken out there last month, but it still really hurts, yo. And so I was in there and I kept asking them for pain medicine and they kept getting mad because I kept coming up and asking them and they weren't giving me any and then they were finally gonna give me some and then this man came and asked me if I needed help and I told him no I didn't need help and then the lady said that was rude and she called security and they made me leave and didn't even give me any pain medicine. Hood nurse: I see. Well. Are you mostly here for leg pain or abdominal pain then?

Girl 2: Well my legs hurt but also this still really hurts (pointing to incision site) and also it's hard and I think somethings in there or it's infected inside.

Hood nurse: Okay, yeah. What kind of medical problems do you have?

Girl 2- I got that Bipolar and ADHD.

Hood nurse: Realllyyy. Cool. Well go ahead and have a seat out there for me and they'll call you back there when they get a room open.

Surprisingly, it wasn't the girl who had just been kicked out of the other hospital that gave us hell. About an hour later, I took a couple of people back to rooms that had been waiting longer than Girl 1 back to rooms, so naturally, she thought it would be a good time to tell me a was a stupid bitch for not calling her name. So, after calling everyone before AND after her (to be fair, she was asleep when I called everyone after her, but still be nice to your triage nurse) she went back to a room and got her exams done. She was revealed to have numerous STDs, and nothing else, so she was sent home with multiple antibiotics. When she figured out she wasn't getting Vicodin, she tore up the prescription for the Flagyl and the Doxycyline while screaming, "Fuck all of you bitches! You just like sticking things in people's pussies and not giving them any pain medicine! Tell that motherfucking doctor lady to come back in here and I'll put that thing in HER and see how SHE likes it!" By then, her friend had been discharged without incident and they both strolled out of the ER to wherever the hell they came from.

Classy broads, these two. Whenever I deal with people like this in pairs, I always just wonder where they hooked up. Do you think it was another ER waiting room? I'd say it's about a 50% chance.

Top 5 ways to get dayshifted

As I may have mentioned before, day shift and night shift do not like each other so much at my hospital. Now before you people get all bent out of shape and are like, "Hood nurse, you stupid douche, I've worked the day shift all my life because I have kids/pets/ houseplants/narcolepsy/other rare medical condition that prevents me from working nights, I hate you and I'll never read your blog again", calm down. I am just talking about the ones at my job and not about you.

It just so happens that most of the anal retentive, self righteous, extremely type A management ass kissing types are also the ones that are okay with getting paid less to wake up and do their makeup at 4AM so they can come to work and talk to administration, go down to the cafeteria and get breakfast, gossip about their coworkers and occasionally work. Not all of them are like that, but pretty much all the ones that are work days- kind of like how not all trapezoids are squares but all squares are trapezoids. Anyway. Glad we could have that little math talk.

But on the subject of my ridiculous coworkers, we had some down time the other night at the 4 AM stretch so we compiled an unofficial list of all the lame ass excuses they come up with in report that leaves you getting screwed but usually not realizing it until they have already skipped out to the parking lot- known more commonly where I come as getting dayshifted. I will now share them with you.

1. "I don't know anything about this patient, the charge nurse just put them in the room 5 minutes ago and I haven't seen them. Nothings been done." Now. About half the time this is true, because day shift charge nurses do love giving people ambulances and bringing people straight back to their room from triage at the same time, and rarely is anything done because that would require effort and the charge nurse getting her ass surgically removed from the charge desk chair. Luckily we have trackers that show how long the patient has been in the hospital and how long they've been back in a room, so we can see if they got there at the exact same time as two other patients, and whether the nurse really did get screwed, or whether they've actually been in the room an hour and half as opposed to 5 minutes. And if this is the case, I won't bug you about it, but I will chart when I assumed care, when I connected the patient to monitoring equipment or did something to help them not die, and that I never received report, so that if shit goes down, you're done, son.

2. "All they need is the urine" I hate this shit more than anything. Again, trackers ya'll. I can put together the story that Dr. Lazybitch ordered urine on this patient 4 hours ago and that despite your best efforts she cannot and will not dispo this chest pain patient without a UA. But since you were too lazy to get up for 15 minutes to ambulate your elderly patient to the bathroom, now I will do it while I get passive aggressive notes from the MD. Thanks a million.

3."She's been in there asleep" Why is it that I hear this statement from the same nurses and every time I go in to find their patient writhing in pain, saying they've been hitting the call button for 2 hours. Really? How hard is it to ask the doctor for some effin' Morphine?

4. "He was a hard stick and the paramedic wasn't available so I didn't even try" Really? Are you a fucking nurse? Then act like one. Maybe if your skills are really that shitty you should go work at the nursing home where you can send your patient to the ER every time they need an IV start. Or maybe you should start your own IVs occasionally and then you might remember how to do it right.

5."Yeah, yeah. Everything's been done" (whilst holding the chart to their chest) Ohhh man. The kiss of death. If it looks like they're hiding something, they probably are, like the fact that their patients have been dangerously hypertensive and in pain all day, they didn't notify the doctor, and they didn't give the meds that were ordered at 1400. When it's all the charts, you better get into the urinary cart and grab yourself some economy size lube, because shit is about to get bad for you.

This is in no way a comprehensive list. What kind of tricky shit does the "other shift" where you work like to pull in order to bamboozle you into doing their work?