Chief Complaint of the Night

"So like, I was sneezin' like, all day today, and I work with the public, so, I can't be at work sneezin'. So I came into the ER 'cause I missed work and 'cause I want the doctor to give me somethin' to stop the sneezin'. How much longer do you think this is gonna take?"

Yup, this is a phenomenon those of us in emergency medicine (okay, just me) like to call "acute work excuse deficiency." To be fair, though, she did also want a pregnancy test.

Chief Complaint of the Night

Are you ready? Here we go.

Trouble sleeping for 5 years.

Yeop. And was seriously a douche to ER BFF in triage when she asked if she'd seen a doctor or tried any meds before. I guess maybe she was crabby from not sleeping, but still. It's not necessary to be nasty to the triage nurse for just doing her job and trying to collect your information. Anyway. 1,000 cool points were awarded to our new ER doctor, for this conversation:

New Dr: So, what's wrong today ma'am?

Miss Insomniac: I haven't been able to sleep well for 5 years.

New Dr: Yeeeah. So, this is the ER, so I don't prescribe sleeping pills here.

Miss Insomniac, scoffing and rolling eyes: Well, and I haven't had my period in two months either.

New Dr: Okay. Well, now you can go buy a pregnancy test, because you're discharged.

I tried to start a slow clap at the nurses' station, but no one was paying attention.

Chief Complaint of the Night

Young lady presents with cute, chubby baby playing with her stuffed toy in no distress.

Hood Nurse: Hi! What an adorable baby! What's going on tonight, guys?

Baby's Mama: Uh, hey. Yeah, so I brought my baby in here basically cause I just don't know what's wrong with her. She just keeps whining. I don't know why. Maybe she's just bratty. I don't know what her problem is.

Hood Nurse: Okay. Well. I mean, how long has this been going on? Has she been running fever? Pulling at her ears? Eating less?

Baby Mama:No. None of that. She's just whiny. She's been whiny for two weeks now. I'm getting really tired of it. Do you think you guys can figure out why she's whiny?

Hood Nurse: Uh. Maybe. I really don't know.

Baby Mama: Do you guys see a lot of stuff like this?

Hood Nurse: No. Not really.

Baby Mama: Oh. Well, I guess I just pay more attention than most parents.

Chief Complaint of the Night

Well, sort of.

23 year old male presents to Hood Hospital via EMS for dental pain x 1 week. As is the standard of care, he is seen at the front desk briefly by the doctor and is sent promptly to the waiting room to check in and be triaged like everyone else and their mama who decided to check in last night.

I hand him the check in form, to which he responds by pushing it back towards me and saying, "Man, fuck y'all, fuck this, I'm about to go to the house", and then promptly leaves to walk back to his apartment, which is blocks away.

Yup. Your tax dollars at work, ladies and gentlemen.

Chief Complaint of the Night

To increase customer satisfaction around here, my end goal in all cases in every area of my life, and to inject a little joy into the frequency in which I keep getting stuck in triage, I'm gonna start a little feature here called chief complaint of the night whenever I work out there. Today's first ever chief complaint of the night (as I charted it for maximum impact):

0230: Hernia x 2 years

Pt denies pain, but states "I might as well have you guys fix this

now. I want it out. I'll also take one of them AIDs tests."

+ETOH

He was obviously a winner. He threw a fit about thirty minutes after I had put him out in the waiting room insisting that he had been in excruciating pain the whole time, and scolded me for talking too fast. When he did go back to a room, he immediately fell asleep, and when the doctor went in to ask what she could do to help him, he responded with, "ask your mama."

He was of course, promptly discharged to the waiting room, where he tried to talk to the police officer at triage about his Snoop Dogg CD and demanded a cab voucher.

Yup. Saving lives as usual.